not of sound mind. revisiting high school angst.

lately on facebook, many friends, and even people that weren't, have been friending me on facebook. harmless enough.

of course, this leads to, at some point, being hungover on the couch and thinking about the good and the bad of those formative years in Belleville, Illinois. i remember when i was actually in high school, there were a lot of adults that would say that these were supposed to be the best days of my life... it sounded pathetic then, too.

pong's philosophy on life in high school (really): shoot first, ask questions later. i'm soooo deep and no one understands me. someday, fame and glory. someday, i will never be lonely. someday, i'll know what i'm doing. someday, someone will love me and think i'm attractive regardless of how ugly i am or can be. someday, it will matter that they hurt me.

here's the thing. hormones ensured that everything i said and did were ridiculous and dramatic. the things i cared about, the things i didn't care about, the things i did, the fighting, the crying, etc. it was all pretty silly, but necessary, i'm 90% sure. hopefully, what it did was provide me with the guidelines of reason, as all of it was on the edge.

so, what now? i'm probably not where i thought i'd be, but i wouldn't change it. the great thing is that i'm somewhere i never thought i'd be, and i got to live a truly wonderful life to get here. i became who i wanted to become, but that isn't based on the occupation or husband or international city i thought i'd have. i am a person, comfortable in my skin, aware and accepting of my flaws, and doing the best i can. it sounds like a show on fox (except i didn't mention anything about partial nudity), but true. what more can i ask for? realistically thinking, no one i know from high school is actually all that cool. they just are. and so am i.

pong's philosophy of today: try not to forget to shoot. it's more interesting trying to understand someone else. someday, kids and a yard. someday, i'll remember to call my mom more. someday, i'll understand what i'm doing. everyday, i'll love my husband a little more. as time goes by, memories of high school stings less everyday, in retrospect, and everyone will forgive everyone else. (the last one, i know is pathetic. but at some point in a woman's life , or anyone's life, she has to accept that she was a total bitch in high school and it wasn't just everyone else who were the total bitches. the only people that didn't seem like bitches in the high school were the ones not talking. yeah. they were total bitches too, but you just couldn't hear what they were thinking. it's at that point, you can forgive yourself and everyone else).

at that age, chalk it all up to hormones. it's the equivalent of not being of sound mind (mentally incapacitated, drunk, not legally an adult) while signing a contract. nothing i did or said in high school should really count. i was not of sound mind.