did i sell out, or did i never have the chance?

so, as i'm in a short stretch of not work, i've had time to reflect upon my past, present and future. much of this thought has been critical and probably off-focus, but it's made me ponder if i've become a big, fat sell-out, or if i've even generated enough mega-fonzies to ever be cool. see that right there? that's a reference to futurama, one of the best 30-minute television program ever created. one point for me.

past: spent majority of my life trying to figure out what i wanted to be. this means a whole lot of trial and error, embarassment, insecurity, and anxiety. and i've been also overwhelmingly obnoxious and loud for no apparent reasons. i put trust in anyone and everyone, and i was always willing to go cross-country so a friend could visit some girl or help people move into a new apt. i was that girl who would challenge anyone in the bar to a drinking contest and barely make it home. i like baseball and football, but i'd argue about stuff that i don't really know what i'm talking about (i still do that to an extent). and i was against the general concept of authority, but knew what i had to do to keep moving forward. i liked to think of myself as punk-chic, but my knowledge of music is far inferior in comparison to the majority of my friends. i listened to what i liked, wore what i liked, and practiced projectile word vomit at every turn. despite i went through more awkward years than most, i still feel like i was a decent kid. annoying, but decent. heroes: matt groening, tori amos, dance hall crashers, fishbone, sarah connor, daryll hannah, julia roberts, winona ryder (didn't love her, but wanted to be her), madeleine albright, mustard plug, operation ivy, dropkick murphy's, my brother.

present: still not confident what i want to be, but happy to be wife and doggie/kitty mom. less trial and error. spend more time watching simpson's on dvr than breaking a sweat. only embarassed about who i used to want to be. i spend more on my hair than i do on music (partially b/c i have excellent sources for streaming music). i don't go to bars as much as i used to. i care about all 4 food groups being represented on my plate, and on my husband's plate. i have the money to finally travel, and i use it for a mortgage. i don't feel like i'm moving forward. i don't dream about what i'm going to be doing in the future anymore because i figure it's just going to be the same crap as everyone else. the best i can hope for now is being a "cool mom" someday and claire huxtable is my role model (lawyer/mom/sexy wife).
note: all i've ever worked on is women's/mom's brands (advertising), and the words on why still ring clear from one of my former boss,' "you're so close to the target audience." at 24, single in chicago, i certainly didn't feel like a mother of 0-12 year olds, but my employer's have certainly thought so. basically, i'm blaming them for my claire huxtable envy.

so, why was i cool before? i think it's because the sky was the limit. i could do almost anything, and i had so much faith in everyone around me. mistakes were small and over as soon as you wanted them to be.

what's changed? deadline's, biological clocks, lessons learned, salary increases, personal debt, competition/gossip in the workplace, preparation (for everything), the elevation as family as a priority, heartbreak, doggie diarrhea, annual reviews, capital gains (whatever that means), recounts, credit cards, corner bistros, matrimony...

so, future, you know what would be great? not worrying all the time about what's practical. i think if i can get away from basing ALL decisions on their level of practicallity and logic, i will be just fine.